


an opportunity to go to the moon

by moonvinyl



Series: what defines a home? [3]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Idols, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I'm sorry for the Angst, M/M, Reunions, haha sike, taebin are angst lovers like me, they wrote ghosting and i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27328582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonvinyl/pseuds/moonvinyl
Summary: "if you were given the chance to go back to the past to fix a mistake, will you take it?"taehyun had spent years running away, burning the edges of his emotions. silencing the ache that always lingered in his chest. because it was easier—it always had been easier.but why is he here again? why is he back in ansan, standing in front of the same boy that he swore he wouldn't come back to?(or: home is—can you still call it a home if you spent years trying to run away from it? if you spent so much time wondering about all that ever happened and all that could have happened?)
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Kang Taehyun
Series: what defines a home? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957483
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	an opportunity to go to the moon

**Author's Note:**

> for beca and hana ♡
> 
> this idea was stuck in my notes app for a long while and i wondered when i'll get around to write it. then i found out that taebin wrote ghosting and i took it as a sign to finally write it. so here we are! please excuse any mistakes that you might see.
> 
> and for the sake of the story, let's pretend that taehyun's hometown is really ansan. ♡
> 
> title is taken from reese lansangan's an opportunity to go to the moon.

**2019년 2월 5일**

**soobin:** hey! happy birthday, taehyunnie! 

**soobin:** i think i'll finish my work early today. do you want me to swing by and grab some cheese tteokbokki for us?

  
  


**2019년 2월 6일**

**soobin:** you probably didn't get to read my message yesterday but i wanted to say i'm sorry for not visiting you :( it got too busy at work all of a sudden so i had to stay behind

[one missed call from **soobin** ] 

**soobin:** hey, did you go somewhere? you and your parents weren't around when i came by today

**2019년 2월 12일**

[three missed calls from **soobin** ] 

**soobin:** taehyun? are you okay? 

**2019년 2월 16일**

**soobin:** taehyun?

 **soobin:** i came by your house today because you wouldn't return any of my texts and calls

 **soobin:** i talked to your mom...

 **soobin:** why didn't you tell me that you left for seoul? did i do something wrong?

  
  
  


**2019년 8월 8일**

**soobin:** taehyun, i miss you

 **soobin:** i'm sorry

 **soobin:** i hope you're doing okay

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


"this doesn't make sense."

it took everything in taehyun to ignore the lingering ache in his chest. his heart had bruised itself against the splinters of his ribs but even then, he found himself swallowing every word and emotion that threatened to burst through him. he can't let himself go like that.

or at least, not for today.

"i'm a week away from my debut," he harshly tugged on his clothes, leaving a crease along the fabric. "i should be preparing for my debut stage right now. i should be back at the company building, going through my schedules because god knows that i can't slack off. i don't understand why noona would clear everything out for the weekend." he didn't notice the creases on his clothes nor did he care enough to realize what he was doing right now. somehow, he was on the verge of stumbling to the ground because of the frustration slowly sinking through his insides. he knew that he shouldn't feel like this but even then, he couldn't silence the relentless pounding of his heart in the empty hollowness of his chest.

"you know, you're the only idol who's angry that they have the weekend off before their debut." he heard the familiar lilt of laughter wrapped around his best friend's words. it didn't take long before beomgyu eventually sat down on the edge of taehyun's bed, making himself comfortable on the sheets. "aren't you homesick?"

"why would i be homesick?" taehyun murmured, voice a little strangled as he tried to ignore the way his fingers twitched when he pushed another shirt into the confines of his bag. "seoul is my home. It has been for the past three years." 

"i know," beomgyu sounded like he was on the edge of exasperation already and taehyun knew why—he liked to pretend that he doesn't though. "but we both know that we don't belong here. i came all the way from daegu two and a half years ago while you came through the doors three years ago." he paused, eyes drifting past taehyun to settle on the picture frame behind him. it took a heartbeat before he spoke though his voice was soft, too careful around the edges. 

as if he was afraid that he might leave taehyun bleeding with his words alone. 

"didn't you say before that you missed someone back home?"

the resounding slam of the cover of the suitcase cracked through the silence between them. taehyun took a breath—albeit a little too unsteady and ragged—before he felt the familiar ache surge through his body. one that he had been ignoring for years.

"it doesn't matter," taehyun let a shaky sigh fall from his lips. "it's been three years since we last talked. he might have forgotten me already."

"he?"

all through the years, taehyun had refused to say anything about all that he left behind in ansan. every time beomgyu subtly asks him, taehyun would only flinch for a split second before he shakes his head, his lips pursed.

"i don't regret my decision."

(beomgyu wonders if taehyun still hasn't regretted his decision. or has he been carrying that regret ever since he stepped off the bus that brought him to seoul?) 

"i'm not saying anything else."

that was all that taehyun had resolved to say, leaving beomgyu with a defeated sigh falling from his lips. no use to pushing him to say more—taehyun would never give in.

"fine, but listen, taehyun—"

the younger boy fell still, his gaze focused on his best friend. for as long as he had known him, beomgyu was always so bright—like nothing in this world could ever break him. but right now, taehyun could see his vulnerability, the secrets that were still tucked under his skin. the ones that he might as well carry with him for the rest of his life.

"if you had the chance to go back and fix one mistake in your life, you should take it." there was a smile on his lips but even taehyun couldn't read it.

"i wouldn’t want you to have any regrets before you have your debut."

with that, beomgyu had trudged out of his bedroom and taehyun was left with a half-opened suitcase and his folded clothes scattered at the edge. still, he couldn't find it in himself to care—instead, he sank down on the edge and pulled out his phone. he clicked on the one contact that he had been meaning to delete over the years but somehow, he couldn't bring himself to.

because the name reminded him of home. a home that he wasn't sure that he wanted to come back to.

_choi soobin._

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


ansan wasn't as bright as seoul.

it was quieter too and taehyun found himself yearning for the busyness of seoul's nightlife. but right now, he walked down the narrow streets, dragging his suitcase right behind him. 

he felt stupid—he should have called a cab. he knew that it was stupid of him to carry his luggage with him until he reaches his parents' home. but he couldn't find it in himself to stop right now because even if it was so late, he felt nostalgic about everything.

the one convenience store that he used to visit with— _oh, right._ taehyun swallowed thickly. _i spent my time with soobin hyung there._ his eyes flicker to somewhere else and he felt the surge of happiness through his chest when he found that one little stand that was selling tteokbokki that they— no, _he_ — loved so much.

 _stop thinking about him,_ taehyun gritted his teeth and it hurt even more to see every little street, every store around the corner. he can't stop missing soobin and the ache burned through his lungs.

 _he doesn't remember me,_ it was all that taehyun could ever say to himself. just so he could silence the thoughts in his head. _it's been three years, he won't remember someone that left three years ago—_

the wheels of his suitcase gently hit the edges of his shoes but he didn't notice. his eyes were focused on the bar in front of him—a tacky neon sign that shone too brightly, all except for the second letter because it kept blinking out of focus. no one would have given this another glance; all except for taehyun, of course.

"can't believe this is still here." taehyun tightened his hold around the handle of his suitcase, feeling even more nostalgic. it was strange but taehyun didn't mind it—this place is after all, the first time where taehyun felt the burn of the alcohol run down his throat and the adrenaline that wrapped itself tightly around his bones. the same place where he felt soobin's warmth wrap around his body, their laughter tying themselves in the atmosphere—the first time where taehyun would feel the lightheadedness when soobin kissed him. 

soobin's laughter tasted like starlight—it left taehyun with a burning ache that he could not forget. 

(soobin thought it was a drunken mistake. taehyun never thought it was a mistake between them.) 

he loved that feeling, even if he had to hide it within the confines of his ribcage for the next few years because there was no one else in the world that would have caught up to his own feelings. he couldn't compromise the things that he had done to debut—no one would love to see a trainee mess up and have a few drinks too many in public. taehyun wouldn't take a risk like that so easily.

but it's a week before his debut and he's missing soobin more than he should.

with a deep breath, taehyun pushed through the doors. a slow song was playing through the speakers and the chatters all around him felt like a familiar song that taehyun had missed. he pushed his cap down, concealing his features as he dragged his suitcase up to the counter.

 _one drink._ taehyun told himself, his knuckles turning white because of how much he's gripping the handle. _one drink then i'll leave—_

that's when taehyun's world fell still.

he thought of this for so many years already. even when he left ansan, he thought of the aftermath—how they'll crash into each other again after the burnout.

but taehyun never would have expected to see him again in the same place where it all began. the place where they shared a drink and where taehyun carried the ache of that kiss in his chest for the months, years to come.

"soobin hyung," taehyun felt the edges of his name drag against his cheek. it felt like a familiar burn—one that he used to love. one that he still does love. 

there were so many things that taehyun wanted to tell him ( _i'm so sorry, i missed you so much, i don't know how i lasted this long without you by my side—_ ). but instead, he quietly murmured the one question that carried only the innocence of a forlorn reunion. 

"what are you doing here?" 

even if taehyun didn't want to stare at him for too long, he couldn't help it. the bar was dimly lit and it was nearing eleven in the evening—taehyun had memorized every corner of this place like a worn out polaroid. and he knew that soobin looked so out of place right now. 

a black and white crisp suit wrapped around the taller boy's figure felt too formal, too stifling. soobin had his black jacket thrown carelessly on the stool beside him as he nursed a bottle of beer. it took a flicker of a breath in the song's interval before his dark eyes fell on taehyun. searching and searching before the realization had sunk in. 

the second thing that taehyun noticed was the darkness—the stars have faded from soobin's bright eyes.

what left him like this? or who left him crumbling like this? 

"taehyun? kang taehyun?" 

under the dim light hanging by the bar's counter, taehyun had seen every flicker of expressions on soobin. from disbelief, to realization, to longing—what was he longing for? 

why was he looking at taehyun as if he was a dream that he chased after for so many years now?

"hyung, i—"

"you're back!"

soobin was smiling, he was smiling _so_ wide and yet, despite all these tell-tale signs, it didn't reach his eyes. he reached out and taehyun felt his lungs collapse when soobin pulled him so close, to the point that he realized how much he missed this. how much he missed soobin like this—warm and safe.

"i am," taehyun ignored the ache to answer the question that settled between them. maybe if he didn't give any attention to it tonight, he could pretend that they were okay. "only for a weekend though. i have my debut next week so i can't afford to slack off."

"tsk, you trained for three years and you only came back now. you didn’t even visit me."

taehyun didn't pay attention to the slight bite beneath soobin's words. even if the older boy didn't mean to, taehyun knew him too well. it was difficult to hide anything between the two of them.

(even the ache of his own heart, soobin must have felt it too. taehyun hoped that he did.)

"sorry—" the apology lodged itself in his throat, ignoring the longing he had to apologize for everything he had ever done. "i'm here now though."

soobin glanced at him, the emotions that he carried for so long within him finally creasing on his expression. taehyun was reminded of the creases on his clothes, all crumpled up in his luggage. he never had the time to see how ruined they were.

but soon, soobin was smiling again and taehyun had forgotten everything else about his world. 

"then i think you owe me three years of memories, don't you?"

"what do you mean?"

"what do i mean?" soobin stumbled out of the stool, lightly falling on his feet as he wrapped an arm around taehyun's figure. everything about this felt familiar—like how they used to be when they were in high school. soobin's tall and lanky frame was like a warm blanket that taehyun had grown so fond of. it was difficult not to be so awfully fond of soobin.

he was so easy to love, after all.

"do you remember the time when we played this one game back when we were kids?" soobin was swaying a little on his feet and his cheeks were flushed. he looked pretty under the dim lights and it took all of taehyun to bury the surge of emotions beneath the graveyard of his chest.

_not now, not now._

"you told me that you couldn't decide on what you wanted to be once you grew up so i told you that we could pretend to be someone else for a day."

taehyun remembered that so well. he remembered soobin's bright eyes, his laughter etched at the pink skies as his warm fingers circled around taehyun's wrist, pulling him down the grassy field. they could have been rushing over to their nightly cram classes and yet, taehyun felt like he had all the time in the world—seeing soobin smiling at him back then felt like he could do anything.

but it didn't take so long before soobin had stepped so close to him that taehyun felt his breath hitch when he realized the lack of space between them. he could feel the rushed heartbeats beneath soobin's chest, but he ignored it.

(it was easier to do that—it always had been.)

"why don't we do that again for one last time? for old time's sake?"

taehyun blinked once, twice before he realized what soobin meant. his throat felt scratchy and rough as he forced himself not to let his gaze linger on the way the light illuminated soobin's features that left him breathless.

"what?"

"let's pretend that you're not an idol that's set to debut a week from now and i'm not someone who was left—" taehyun's eyes fixated themselves on the older boy and he saw the sadness creasing his features. only for a moment, he looked utterly broken. but it had gone by too fast that taehyun had lost his grip, forcing him to stumble through the remnants of his imagination instead. 

"let's pretend that we're still back in high school. when we're still trying to figure out what to do and i told you that we should dream big."

"what are you talking about?" taehyun let a warm laugh fall from his lips, shaking his head a little fondly. "hyung, high school was such a terrible time for the two of us. you want to relive that?" 

soobin only shrugged his shoulders with a slight smile, taking another sip from his drink before he pushed the half-empty bottle on the counter. when he glanced at taehyun, there was a glint of an emotion that passed by too fast that the younger boy did not decipher it as quickly as he could. 

"i know it was terrible. but at least i was with you."

taehyun felt every inch of the space between seconds. it reminded him of how these two days were going to fall apart—the two days that could let his heart tip over and crash itself on the floor. 

but if it was soobin who was going to break his heart then so be it. 

"okay." 

taehyun tried not to think about all the reasons that he wanted to leave this forsaken city. because now, all he could find was one reason why he should stay. 

and it was a reason that outweighed every doubt and worry in his head. 

(taehyun let his eyes fall on soobin's suit. he didn't ask him why there was a wilting flower tucked against the pocket of his white button down shirt. nor did he asked him about his bruised knuckles and tear stained cheeks under the harsh light of the moon's glow.

he felt like he didn't deserve to know it yet.) 

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


“this doesn’t make any sense.”

it was in the middle of october and yet, here they were, sitting down on the curb of the street with a bowl of cherry-flavored bingsu. their knees knocked against each other and soobin can’t seem to stop laughing at the absurdity of it all. right here were taehyun and soobin—one boy who was set to be an idol in a week from now and one boy who had his heart broken. 

taehyun thought it was strange too. but somehow, everything felt right between them.

“you know, i was hoping that you’d be craving for some tteokbokki because i’m sure that the stall that we used to love is still open right now.”

“why? cold weather calls for cold treats.”

soobin rolled his eyes at his words, “if you want to get sick then go ahead.”

taehyun can’t help but burst into a fit of laughter. “that’s rich coming from someone who willingly caved in when i said that i wanted a cherry-flavored bingsu.” 

“not my fault that you could make a convincing argument whenever we eat something together.”

“i just said that i wanted bingsu and you said yes! how is that convincing you to do anything?” 

that’s when soobin paused. he caught his cherry stained lip between his teeth as he stared down at the sweet treat in his hands. “you know i can never say no to you,” under the glow of the moonlight, taehyun caught sight of the shadow of a smile written across on soobin’s lips before it faded away. “i guess you still have that kind of effect on me years ago.” 

taehyun stopped, not knowing what else to say. even then, it felt warm and safe, like the time had finally slowed down between them. soobin’s words always caused a stutter in his heartbeats—those quiet moments when he thought that everything has finally faded into the past. until he sees soobin’s bright eyes and his even brighter smile and all taehyun could think of is, _“oh.”_

_you’re so lovely, choi soobin._

“still a romantic, aren’t you?” taehyun spoke easily, keeping his voice light and even. “i wouldn’t be surprised if you told me that you’re with someone now.”

“really?”

taehyun’s eyes lingered on the wilting flower tucked on the front of soobin’s pocket. that didn’t mean anything—it shouldn’t mean anything. soobin must have gone to a party earlier tonight and now, he only looked exhausted. 

(he doesn’t let himself wonder about the bruised knuckles. nor the thought of soobin crying even before they crossed paths.)

“yes, really.”

this time, soobin laughed but it sounded a little empty. like there was something hastily ripped from a story. “i guess you can say that i _was_ with someone.”

“hyung,” a crestfallen expression drew itself across taehyun’s features. god, now the guilt had wrapped itself around his chest. it was too stifling and taehyun had never felt so apologetic before. “i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“it's fine,” soobin waved a hand dismissively, breathing out a shaky sigh. there was a smile on his lips that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “you couldn't have known.” 

_but i should have. i should have known all about it because we used to tell each other everything._

with that, taehyun felt the stretch of the space between them. as much as they wanted to _not_ acknowledge the three years that had gone past without them talking, taehyun felt it nevertheless. the guilt had buried itself in his lungs, a flicker of a burn that left him breathless with flushed cheeks. 

he had so many sins that he wanted to repent for. but there he sat, not knowing what to say. 

soobin's gaze fixated itself on him before it flickered away and taehyun was left staring at him for a breath too long before he eventually looked away too. it didn't matter for them to dwell on this—soobin would never say anything if he didn't want to. 

taehyun used to be the one person that he could open up to. but now, it felt like they're chasing after a stranger that carried that same name that haunted them for years. 

(they don't know each other anymore.)

"hey, do you remember the park that we used to go to?" 

"the one near our old high school?" 

for the first time in a while, soobin's eyes shone like the stars have finally found their way back home. it didn't take too long they faded but at least, there was a smile that was drawn on his moonlit features. "yeah, do you want to go there?" 

"my feet hurt a little though." 

the taller boy arched a brow before he stood up, stumbling a little before he found his steady footing with a laugh. he turned his back on taehyun, gesturing at him to come closer. "come here, i'll carry you." 

"hyung, you don't have to do that. i mean, i still have my luggage and i don't want to make you carry it—" 

"oh, come on! i used to carry you back home nearly everyday after school. i even carried your bag!" 

"that was different!" 

"no, it wasn't. you always carried your books every single day—ever heard of lockers, kang taehyun?" 

"shut up." taehyun grumbled though he ended up caving in. soobin had always been a little too stubborn but he liked that about him—he trusted soobin. he still does and maybe he always will. 

he looped his arms around soobin's neck and made himself comfortable on his back. there was a laugh that resonated around the atmosphere as soobin stood, his hands tucked under taehyun's thighs as the younger boy wrapped his legs loosely around his frame. it was like they were seventeen and nineteen year old boys again—the two of them rushing through the busy streets after school, their laughter had become a familiar melody in the air. 

(taehyun thought that ansan must have missed seeing them like this too. taehyun knew that he did miss soobin like this too.) 

everything about soobin was warm and taehyun wondered why he spent such a long time being away from him. 

soobin felt like home to him right now. 

right now, taehyun didn't want to be anywhere else. 

/

"can't believe you gave up even before we reached the park." 

" _you_ were the one who insisted that we stop for pizza first and made me carry you on my back again." 

taehyun laughed. it was loud and full and taehyun was reminded of how he was before—of how they used to be before. it was as if taehyun had crossed the boundaries of time and right now, taehyun felt like he was still a seventeen year old starry eyed boy and soobin was the nineteen year old senior who was a little lost and the one who made him laugh until sadness had become a stranger to him. 

(he didn't care if soobin was as lost as he was—being anywhere with soobin felt like a step closer to the home that they crafted for themselves.)

taehyun crossed the grassy ground, kicking off his shoes midway before he raced across the sandbox and fell right into the swing. it must have been three in the morning already and taehyun was starting to feel the exhaustion crash in him. even if his body had accustomed to the late night trainings and practices, it was as if being tired had become his default.

he brushed his cap off his hair, fingers fixing the messy strands before he caught sight of soobin staring at him with an unreadable expression. "what?" he felt nervous, realizing that he never really showed anyone else his new hair color. the strikingly bright blond was something that he was hesitant with but being an idol—you had to take a risk. 

taehyun has to take risks and that's the reason why he's sitting right in front of soobin, waiting for him to say something. _anything_ at all. 

"it looks," soobin stepped closer and taehyun's features were shadowed by the taller boy—through the darkness, he saw soobin's eyes flicker down to his strands before he reached out to brush his fingers through them. "pretty." 

"what?" 

"pretty," soobin chuckled, tousling the blond locks with ease. "you look really pretty." 

there were so many things that he wanted to say—too many things. but he felt his throat close up and all he could say is, "you too." 

"huh?" 

"you look pretty too." 

"you still can't take a compliment without saying one too, huh?" 

soobin would have missed his words if he wasn't listening closely to everything that taehyun had wanted to say to him tonight. 

"only when it comes to you." 

(soobin didn't say anything else to him. taehyun refused to answer the one question that lingered at the back of his head. 

_what happened to us, hyung?_

he knew the answer to that—but he liked to pretend that he didn't.)

the silence stretched between them as soobin found his way right beside him, settling at the swing. the starlight had fallen through the cracks in their pavement and strangely, it left a trail of nostalgia hidden within the spaces of taehyun's ribs. he didn't know how much he missed everything about tonight until he found himself sitting on the swing, feeling the harsh reality tugging on his heartstrings. 

he can't get attached again. not right now. 

"taehyun, have you ever loved someone so much, to the point that you would have done anything for them?" 

the blonde haired boy casted a longing look at him. the answer tied itself around his tongue, pierced itself through his throat until he couldn't think of anything else but this conversation. 

"i think i did." 

soobin's eyes always carried the stars—a collision of constellations drawn deep in his irises. taehyun had learned to love the stars because he saw them constantly in the one boy that he loved the most. 

but this moment in time, the stars were a lost cause. a fading memory that was drifting too fast that no matter how much taehyun wanted to hold onto it, it couldn't stay in one place. 

tonight, soobin's eyes carried the stormy oceans. taehyun thought he could learn to love the ocean too. maybe then, he would feel at home with the ocean water filling his lungs and the empty spaces in his ribcage. 

"i got left at the altar today." 

taehyun fell still. his heartbeat that was resonating so loudly against his ribcage was nothing but radio silence. it was so overwhelming until it had become the sound that echoed in his ears and the taste that lingered at the back of his throat. 

"you were," he swallowed thickly, ignoring the surge of hurt in his chest. _not now, not now._ "you were supposed to get married today?" 

"yeah," soobin gazed at his bruised knuckles and his lips pursed into a thin line. all night long, he held the pieces of himself so well but now, he couldn't fight the streak of sadness on his expression.

"she was a nice girl. my parents loved her and i know i did too."

"then why—" 

"why did she leave me?" soobin echoed the question, one that he must have heard over and over again in his own head since the start of the night. one that he couldn't drown out even after all alcohol rushing through his veins or the cherry-flavored bingsu that they ate together. 

"i don't know. all i know is that i waited at the altar for her for hours, even when everyone gave up on us. i… didn't think someone would just up and leave me like that without a second thought." 

"hyung." taehyun didn't know what to say—he never knew what to say anymore. he thought he did but now, the words don't quite fit in his mouth and he could feel the painful edges against the insides of his cheeks. his heart had long stopped beating and he could no longer hear the familiar rhythm that reminded him that he was still breathing. 

"you know, i thought that i would just find my way back home and sleep the rest of the night away. i thought i would just have one last drink at the bar. until i saw you." soobin stared at him and those three years that they spent away from each other—with taehyun practicing and burying himself in his training and soobin constantly longing for him to come home—everything came back. 

"taehyun-ah,"

the flicker of the city lights illuminated soobin's features in a way that left taehyun with an ache in his chest. they spent the last three hours living and breathing the air of the city and letting themselves go—but soobin still looked lost. 

it was as if they had fallen back in time and soobin was still as lost as he used to be. 

his eyes drifted to taehyun and that's when the younger boy saw it—he looked so awful. the crisp suit that he was wearing was now worn down around the edges. the smile that lingered on his lips all through night had become nothing but a shadow of taehyun's memory. taehyun knew that it was late but it was only now that he felt the heaviness of the night draped over his shoulder. a little reminder of where he was and where he's headed off after this.

(he never wanted to be so lost in between the spaces of the dusk and the silence shared between them before.)

"why did we stop talking?"

there's always that question that you avoid when you meet someone from your past. the awkward pauses in between the _how are you?_ and _do you still remember me?_

but right now, as taehyun sat beside the boy whose heart he broke years ago, this was the question that left him speechless.

(how does he tell soobin that he's everything that taehyun had wanted to leave in ansan and at the same time, everything that he ever wanted to come back home to?)

"you know, i'm a firm believer that you don't have to explain your choices to anyone. i believe that it's okay for someone to do what they want because they have their own reasons. but _goddamn it,_ kang taehyun—" soobin breathed out uneasily and he looked _so_ tired. too worn out to do anything else but to find the answers that he wanted to hear for the past three years. 

"why did you leave me without saying goodbye?" 

"hyung," taehyun's throat was closing up and it hurt too much to breathe. the lie tasted so sweet on the tip of his tongue but soobin doesn't deserve that—he has been waiting for three years. 

he can't lie to him anymore. 

"i wanted to, hyung. i really wanted to see you one last time and tell you goodbye."

"then why did you not come by and tell me that you were leaving? you knew that i would have supported you in a heartbeat. you knew that—"

"because—!" taehyun felt himself crumble into pieces. the world that he spent years and years building away in seoul—all of it unraveled when he found himself staring back at soobin's eyes.

(taehyun doesn't remember the last time he had seen the stars in soobin's eyes.)

"i knew that i wouldn't be able to leave you if i had seen you for one last time."

soobin looked defeated. with every second that dragged itself through the moonlight pavement, the heavier the world felt on their shoulders. soobin was finally getting the answers that he wanted for so long—but why did he feel like he was only burying himself further into the grave that he had built for himself years ago? 

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, oh god hyung—" 

taehyun used to know what to say. that's what soobin loved about him—he was unapologetically himself. but right now, taehyun was shaking and he carried all the apologies that he had been hiding within the empty auditorium of his chest. all of which spoke soobin's name over and over again until his heart knew nothing but to fall in the rhythm of the older boy's name. 

"taehyun," _it hurts to say your name right now,_ " _taehyun-ah._ "

soobin was sobbing now and it broke everything in taehyun. he didn't want to admit it but he heard the splintering crack through his chest and it bruised his heart. 

"you told me that you trust me." 

taehyun frantically nodded his head, fingers already reaching out to brush them along soobin's arms. it must have felt like a touch of a ghost but that was better than nothing at all. 

"hyung, i do. i _really_ do." 

"then why?" soobin spoke again, even if he knew what the answer was. maybe if he asked taehyun over and over again, the words would change. 

or maybe there's no reason in this world that's enough for him right now.

"you don't understand, hyung. i would have done _anything_ for you." taehyun reached out, taking a risk to let himself indulge in the slightest feeling of warmth in his chest. he knew that he didn't have the right to miss soobin like this—he never did. but he couldn't stop himself, even if he wanted to. 

"if you asked me to stay, i would have done it in a heartbeat."

the dark haired boy gazed at him, searching and searching once again. he knew the answer but that didn't mean that he wanted to accept it. 

"you know that's not what i would have said to you if you said goodbye," this time, the space stretched itself so thin that taehyun felt like he was miles away from the boy whose heart he broke. the one who owned his heart for years and broke it as well.

"good luck with your debut, taehyun."

and that was the end. 

soobin quietly stood from the swing, letting it rock gently back and forth as he walked away. like how he should have done the moment he realized that he was left at the altar. 

like how he should have done the moment he realized when taehyun left him three years ago. 

(he knew that he deserved this. he knew that this is how this night would come to an end.

he knew right from the start.)

taehyun always thought he knew how this world would come to an end.

but as he quietly walked away from the edge of the park, he felt the world crumble beneath his feet. every little piece tore itself apart and taehyun could hear everything so loudly in his ears that it left him with his shoulders shaking as he sobbed.

his world had fallen apart that night. 

and yet, everything was so quiet. 

like nothing had changed.

/

**10월 15일**

**taehyun:** hyung? 

**taehyun:** i know that i'm three years late. 

**taehyun:** but i'm sorry. i really am. 

/

"what are you doing back in seoul? you still have one day left before you have to go back to your schedules."

beomgyu eyed his luggage, seeing the very faint cherry color tainting the cover. he didn't let himself wonder why taehyun was standing in front of his apartment door and not at his own place. taehyun would talk about it if he wanted to. 

"i just missed seoul already." 

his voice was clipped and rough. he looked exhausted too, like he hadn't slept since he went back to ansan and slipped back into the first bus to seoul the next day. beomgyu felt the question settle at his throat but he pursed his lips into a thin line instead. 

"can i stay with you for tonight?" 

there's always that question that you avoid when you meet someone again. the awkward pauses in between the _how are you?_ and _are you okay?_

this was the question that left beomgyu speechless. 

but he didn't have the heart to ask his own so instead, he nodded his head and opened the door wider. "come in," he said with a lilt of happiness tied around his tone. just enough to lift the corners of taehyun's lips into a smile. 

it was only a shadow of a smile but somehow, it felt enough for the both of them. 

"thanks, hyung." 

with that, taehyun had walked inside, his shoulders shaking as he hurried over to the guest room that beomgyu always kept open for him. beomgyu could only stare at him in worry before he let the door fall shut, silencing the sounds of the city at eight in the morning. 

he already knew the younger boy so well at this point. he knew that taehyun would fall quiet about what happened and all he could ever do was to stay close and hold him until he calmed down.

as a sigh fell from his lips, beomgyu traced his way back to the kitchen to prepare the cup of coffee that he had been craving. he pulled out another cup and the sound alone of the coffee poured made the two of them forget, even for a moment. 

taehyun will talk if he wants to talk. 

and beomgyu will be here once he decides to do that. 

/

that was supposed to be the end of it.

taehyun should have moved on with the rest of his life, his heart bursting right through his chest at the sound of the deafening cheers from the people and the adrenaline coursing through his veins at five in the morning until late at night. soobin should have moved on, faced closure with the one person that he thought he would have married and continued on with the rest of his life.

except, it didn’t end like that.

taehyun thought that he had done a good job in hiding his worries and doubts in the spaces of his ribs. he buried his emotions at the graveyard beneath his chest—ignored the stifling grip of his past wrapped around his throat. but he was doing a good job.

he was doing _such_ a good job.

until he sat down for an interview and felt everything crash all over again.

“if you were given the chance to go back to the past to fix a mistake, will you take it?”

it was as if the lights became too bright, too harsh. the room that seemed so spacious felt stifling, like the walls were slowly closing in all around him. what used to be a room full of people waiting for his answer—all of them disappeared. until only one was left.

the one boy that he could never seem to stop thinking about.

_choi soobin._

god, he was doing such an awful job, wasn’t he? as much as he spent these weeks pretending that he was alright, he felt the loneliness. seoul used to be so bright and taehyun never felt lonely.

it was the first time in such an achingly long time that he became homesick.

homesick for his one home that he left in ansan. the one boy who took a piece of his heart since they smiled at each other in the hallways of their school. and the one who took every little piece every time he laughed and smiled more brightly than the sun itself that taehyun didn’t mind giving his heart to him. 

soobin always had his heart, didn’t he?

and so, with a deep breath, he silenced the chaos that echoed in his chest. just for once in his life, he’ll let himself fall—he needs to find his way back to his home.

“of course,” he smiled, eyes brighter than ever. “i would do it in a heartbeat.”

/

“you’re going back to ansan? in the middle of your promotions?” beomgyu stopped pouring the coffee into the cup, his eyes fixated on the younger boy. taehyun felt like his emotions were slowly becoming unraveled before his best friend but he knew that beomgyu also had a hint of everything that ever happened to him—the only reason why they never talked about it was because taehyun wasn’t ready.

“i need to, hyung. i really need to.”

“why?”

“you told me that if i had the chance to go back and fix one mistake in my life, i should take it.” taehyun gazed back at him, a hopeful glint in his eyes. “hyung, i think it’s time that i take it.”

beomgyu paused at that, a look of understanding crossing his features. he knew he had to be rational and logical—he had to tell taehyun to _stay._ because that was the right thing to do, wasn't it? 

but even then, taehyun felt the hot cup of coffee pressed against his palms and beomgyu's warm smile at him. 

"you should at least drink this. you asked me to make this even when it's nearing nine in the evening." 

taehyun didn't say anything else but he felt grateful for him. the night was cold and yet, taehyun felt the warmth bloom through his chest. 

all he hoped was that he would still feel like this once he comes back home. 

/

**10월 30일**

**taehyun:** hyung? 

**taehyun:** i don't know if you'll see this. 

**taehyun:** but i'm coming back to ansan in an hour. 

**taehyun:** if you want to talk, i'll be at the playground.

/

ansan wasn’t as bright as seoul.

but taehyun didn’t care about it anymore. everywhere else felt dark and he knew that there’s only one person that would help him find his way back home. 

he should be back in seoul, going for a late night interview. he should have been in the practice room, staring at his reflection as the adrenaline coursed through his veins with the familiar ache in his chest—one that settles in his bones for only a breath before he ignores it. 

but now, it was all that he felt.

taehyun gripped the chains of the swings and let the soles of his shoes graze against the ground. he remembered how terrifying it was for him to push himself on the swing—it always had been so comforting to feel the hard ground beneath his feet. a reminder that he was going to be okay, even if he dreamed of being in the stars and seeing the moon so closely. 

soobin was always the one who told him that he'll be okay. "taehyun, you don't have to worry," soobin would gently nudge him, pushing him on the swing with a light laugh leaving his lips. "if you get too scared, you can always find me, okay?" 

"taehyun?" 

he felt his world stop spinning on its axis as he stared at the direction of the voice. the words that he wanted to say—they have tied themselves around the silence. 

(taehyun no longer dreamed about the stars and the moon. the stars already shone brightly when he heard his name through the crowd.

and the moon? he stood right in front of taehyun years and years ago. 

taehyun knew that he always loved the moon more than the stars.) 

"hyung," he stopped rocking the swing back and forth, staring at the other man. "you're here." taehyun couldn't help but feel the hope settle in his ribcage. it was nothing but a flicker but it felt like the same feeling he had since years ago whenever he thought of soobin. 

"you texted me, didn't you?" soobin crossed the distance between them and for a moment, there was a shadow of a smile on his face. he looked less exhausted this time. a little brighter if taehyun would be honest. 

it was only a little but it was enough, wasn't it? 

soobin had made his way on the swing right beside taehyun and stretched his legs out. taehyun used to tease him about it, seeing how soobin always hated the swings because he was too tall for them. for a second, taehyun felt like he was back in time with soobin—the seventeen year old and the nineteen year old boys who stared at the night sky and wondered about their dreams. 

it was if nothing had ever changed between them. 

taehyun had so many things to tell him ( _did you watch my debut song, hyung? i wanted to give you a ticket for the showcase but i wasn't sure if you wanted to see me. i can't stop thinking of you, hyung—_ ). but soobin's words made everything else around fall into a silence that taehyun could not find a way to say anything. 

"i talked to my ex the day after you left."

taehyun gripped the metallic chains and stared straight ahead. he could feel the way soobin's gaze flickered over to him before he glanced away with a saddened smile. 

"what happened?" 

a sigh left the older boy's mouth as he gazed down at the ground instead. "she was second guessing every decision we made ever since i asked her to marry me," soobin pursed his lips as he brushed the heels of his shoes against the soil. "i guess in a way, i did the same."

"what?"

soobin laughed, shaking his head lightly. "i couldn't stop thinking of someone else the whole time. that i felt like i was making a mistake." 

taehyun couldn't find it in himself to risk a glance to soobin. there was an overwhelming grip of his emotions around his throat and he didn't know to say. all the things that he ever wanted to—taehyun was second guessing all of it now. 

"i think that was meant to end someday," soobin said with a hint of hopefulness in his voice. "but not us. we're never meant to end, kang taehyun." 

taehyun couldn't help but risk a glance. with the warmth trailing around his chest, he gazed at him and for the first time in such a long time, soobin looked at him with so much love in his eyes. 

(soobin finally had the stars in his eyes again. and it was all because of taehyun.) 

there were so many things that he wanted to say but instead, he winded up saying what felt like the most rational thing that he could have said. 

"you just got out of an engagement two weeks ago." 

soobin laughed. it was bright and warm and it reminded taehyun of the afternoon light—when taehyun felt like his world was slowly coming back together. the time when taehyun felt like everything was going to be okay. 

"i'm not asking you out right now. i'm just saying that," soobin rose from the swing and crossed the space between them, eyes brighter than ever as he stood in front of taehyun. he was smiling so wide and it made taehyun's heart ache in his chest. 

"if you get too scared, you can always find me, okay?"

_home._

taehyun spent so much of his time looking for his home when he had found it years and years ago. home was choi soobin—the once nineteen year old boy who believed that taehyun could have the whole world in his hands if he wanted it. 

(soobin didn't know that taehyun didn't want the world. he only wanted soobin.) 

"okay," taehyun spoke, the warmth finally wrapping around the one word that carried all the happiness he was feeling. "okay." 

ansan wasn't as bright as seoul. 

but it's okay—at least it felt like home. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!


End file.
